BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
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Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
umm…
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
This made me chuckle.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”