Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
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HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.