Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
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[eats all your cotton candy]
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”