Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
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Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Air conditioning – not a fan
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.