I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
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Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Me driving through Toronto
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything