Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
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instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone