CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
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this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.