BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
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The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
#FunnyLife Insects
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS