Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
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If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Sing it!
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.