If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
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*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay