“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
You Might Also Like
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Once again not all heroes wear capes
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher