Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
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My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Bless you
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!