Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
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“I FIXED IT!”
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?