My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
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me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
We like the way Dwight thinks
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.