[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
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Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge