[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
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Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.