INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
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Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.