🙂🐾
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no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.