my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
You Might Also Like
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
😂💯
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
oh u like geography? name every lake
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’