new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
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Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol