Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
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Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
My biological clock is wheezing.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?