psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
You Might Also Like
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Has science gone too far?
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.