Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
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Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times