Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
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Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva