How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
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My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?