Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
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If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
My love language is hissing.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.