If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
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Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”