911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
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*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.