BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
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Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
idk what this dog had been going through but same
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train