Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
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My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
My birthstone is kidney
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Trains are just sideway elevators.