And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
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What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god