Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
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If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
who did the taste test?
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.