me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
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y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas