Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
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If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall