Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
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I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
real
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Cats (2019)
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.