Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
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*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
PARKOUR
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.