[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
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Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Ah yes. The three genders
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”