*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
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Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.