The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
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Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve