Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
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Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Omg 🤣
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.