During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
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Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Mad Max: Furry Road
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.