With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
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ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”