Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
You Might Also Like
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.