A closed mouth gathers no fries.
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My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?