Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
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kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing