When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
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HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor