Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
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Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*