I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
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Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”