If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
You Might Also Like
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off