Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
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Word.
~ Microsoft.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
The Birdles
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house